Losing a brother

[carlieweiss]

I lost my baby brother on August 21. He was only 20 years old.
Scott, I never knew what you went thru when you lost Eric but now I know. I'm sorry I wasn't supportive when you lost your brother but I was afraid of saying or doing the wrong thing. Now I know what you went thru and how awful it felt and I'm sorry for that and I also know that even if I would have said or did the wrong thing nothing would have been worse than what you were already feeling inside. Unfortunately, being a sibling; people seem to think that we go through the grief less than the parents. People always say take care of your mom and dad; but who will take care of me? So I gain my strength and cry at night so I can be there for my mom and dad. I guess I am suppose to be strong for them. I will try to be.

[Carlie]

Hey Zim,

Thank you for replying to my post. I do truly want to speak with you but for now I can only do it by email. I am still very emotional and at least this way I can cry and compose myself and continue on. I would love to see the woman in Avon. I am very open to things. I actually have been trying to purchase tickets to see John Edward.

I do believe that he is around me. It is very funny that you brought up the pennies. When I collected his items from the funeral home that he had in his pocket the day he passed away; he had 2 pennies in his pocket. Now, I always leave 2 pennies on his grave. I have been there twice. I have found 2 sets of pennies around my house (1 set in the washer and 1 set on a shelf) and I know they are from him. When I find them, a feeling comes over me that I can't explain and I just know that he is here, all around me. It is almost a very calming feeling. Like for that moment I am not sad when I think of him.

I just desperately want to think happy thoughts about him. My only memories of him right now are seeing his body under a blood soaked sheet at the accident site. I replay the accident over and over in my mind. I want to know why was he going so fast? Why didn't he see the tow truck? What were his last thoughts? I can only see his cold hand that I held when we got to say our good byes in the hospital morgue. I hate these thoughts! Is this normal?

I don't get to cry to often and I don't really get to think about him that much. I have 2 kids and they keep my very busy. Its the quiet times that I hate the most, like driving in the car. This is when I am taken back to the day of the accident and I am driving 100 mph to get to my baby brother just to find out that he is already gone and I can't do anything to save him. I am sorry I keep going on and on about the day of the accident but I can't erase that day. Maybe some day I can think about something else.

Thanks Zim! You have already helped me more than you know.

[Carlie Weiss]

Hey Zim,

I will definitely give her a call and see when she can get me in. I am unsure of how soon I would like to see her because of how fresh the wound is. But I do not want to wait to long.

I did not get his accident report but I have played detective as well. I have drove the accident site a million times and tried to replay the accident over and over. My brother was driving a dirt bike (not street legal) on the road. He was running stop signs and going very fast. I heard around 60-70 mph. He ran a stop sign (4 way stop intersection) and a tow truck was turning left when my brother hit him in his passenger side front fender. I drove the same way the tow truck was driving and it would have been impossible to see my brother because of the trees and shrubs. The coroner said my brother died on impact but his friends were there and they said he was gasping for his last breaths when they arrived. I asked over and over if he had any last words but they said no; he just kept gasping for air. The coroner said he died of neck, head and chest trauma. He probably did break his neck because the funeral director said we should cover his neck with a high collar because there was substantial damage. He was not wearing a helmet but they said it wouldn't do any good. He just took it off at his friends house literally 5 seconds before the accident.

My brother and I never had a great relationship because I was so much older than he was. I always wanted to be his mother and tell him what to do. So eventually, he stopped confiding in me. I had to cut him off completely after I bailed him out of jail, paid for his car, paid for drivers education, all in an effort to help him stay out of trouble but he would never listen. I know it was probably his age (we all do crazy crap when we're 20) but I just wanted him to get his life together especially since he had a daughter. The morning he died he called everyone, except me, and I think that is what hurts the most. He called mom, dad, chad, and some friends. Like he was trying to say goodbye to everyone, except me. Why didn't he call? I probably would have gave him another lecture so I understand why he wouldn't talk to me but in hindsight; I wish I could just talk to him once more. I wouldn't lecture, give advice, I would just hug him and tell him how much I love him. I miss him so much.

Well I have an appointment to attend and I have to compose myself and refresh my makeup ;D.

Thank you very much for listening. One more thing, I really don't remember how mean you were. I always thought you were just showing off so I never really took any mean comments to heart; I would just laugh them off. So give yourself a break, you deserve it.

~Carlie

[Carlie Weiss]

Hey Scott,

I've had your email all along but I just thought that this conversation belonged here; since we both lost brothers. I don't mind if people read my feelings/emotions. But you can always email me if you have something private to say. I usually check it daily.

I don't want you to get the wrong impression of my brother. He had a huge heart. Most of his 'jail time' was strictly wrong person being at the wrong place or dating psycho women who beat him up (he was very skinny) and calling the police saying that he beat her up.

He had a ton of people at the funeral. I mailed out over 250 thank-you's. He had 111 cars and 10 motorcycles in his preccession line the day of his funeral. We had a benefit steak fry and we sold over 280 tickets and made a ton of money to pay off his funeral in full (which was not cheap).

At his funeral, we did see a side of Seth that I didn't get to see to often. We found out that he gave a girl he just met $200 to buy her kids school clothes. He only got paid around $200 so that left him with nothing but he didn't care. We also heard some stories about how he would always fix things that weren't part of his job (he was an apartment maintenance man) like a kids bike or putting together a dresser for an older woman. This was the Seth that everyone knew just not me. He would have done anything for me but let me know that he really cared about me or anyone. He always played the cold, unloving role. I don't know why, maybe it made him hurt less if someone let him down. Seth was affected the most by my parents divorce. He was the youngest (only 9 or 10 when they divorced) and he didn't understand why this happened. He took it really hard. So I believe at a very young age he became an alcoholic to deal with the pain. He also went to live with my father (who is also an alcoholic) so I am sure that didn't help his problems.

My brother loved kids. He was so good with kids especially his own daughter. My brother's ex-girlfriend was missing a few screws. lol. She stabbed him and he got stitches, choked him, etc... But they had a daughter together and when she was born he really starting to walk a straight line. He got a good job and held it for a long time. Went home to her and the baby every night. You could see a change but she started playing mind games. She moved back home to her mom. She started saying things like, 'She's not even your baby' Which devastated him.. (paternity test proved it was his) She started stalking him. Busting out his car windows at night. Breaking in his home during the day. She even seen him and his new girlfriend walking on the sidewalk one day and jumped out and started punching the both of them. Of course, since he passed away that case was dismissed in court. and the list goes on, I could literally be here for hours. Seth was no saint, but most of his crimes were self defense.

Now she knows that she had us right where she wants us to be. She has the only piece of Seth we have left and she plays games. This is awful for my mother and us. She dictates when we can see her and for how long and always in her presence. I really don't want to see her but I bite my lip so I can spend a few minutes with Seth's daughter. I feel the need to make sure that she knows we are not bad people. I am sure that her mother will tell her all about her dad but they will not be good stories and I can't let that happen.

Well, I just wanted to clarify. My brother was not the model citizen but he was very loving and impacted a lot of people, even strangers.

~Carlie

[Carlie Weiss]

I had a dream about him last night. He was so beautiful. He actually was glowing. His hair was so blonde and shiny and his face was perfect. No scratches, bruises, nothing. He didn't really say much but I just remember how perfect he was in my dream. Almost angel like. I was overwhelmed with fear; always thinking maybe he wasn't in the right place but I think he is. I think he is my angel now. He didn't have wings or anything like that.. He was just PERFECT in every way and there was a glow around him.

[Carlie Weiss]

Hey Scott,


Yes, I had been asking him to visit me. I actually told him to please come to me in a dream because I might freak out if he came while I was awake. I had almost given up and hadn't asked in a while. I was afraid he didn't want to and then you start to think, 'maybe he isn't in a good place.'

I only could view him from the waist up. I didn't even see if he was wearing jeans or shorts. His glow was like sunlight, a bright gold glow. His face was so perfect. No scratches, bruises, nothing like that. He had several wounds from before from the accident and those weren't even there. He was standing with my dad and brother. They were going somewhere and seth looked at me and said, "Do you want to come?" and I told him I couldn't and he said "Ok" and that was the end of my dream. It probably lasted 2 minutes but I woke up crying and I really knew in my heart he was ok. I really felt at peace. I really hope that was him telling me he was ok.

[Carlie Weiss]

Hey Scott,

I have told my mom about the dream and you. I have always thought, 'maybe it was just a dream and no real messages should come from it.' But in my heart I feel that it was very real.

I sent you an email and it pertains to my brother coming to another person. Nobody else has said anything about dreams but my mom and dad both have told me they have found 2 pennies in the most odd places and immediately think of him. (he had 2 pennies in his pocket when he died). So all 3 of us have gotten pennies and I had a visit. My other brother is a little closed minded so I am not sure if he has had any visits or pennies or anything like that.

I am very close to making an appointment with Eleanor. I know that sounds so stupid but this is requiring a lot of strength to do. I feel a little bit stronger everyday so maybe this week I will make the appointment.

Take care!

[trac2720]

Happy Birthday my love and my best friend forever. xoxo I miss you very much!